Things Have Been Weird Recently

Lying has always been second nature for me. My childhood was filled with empty candy wrappers behind the dresser and “Yes Mom, I’m practicing right now” with Disney Channel on mute in the background. I’m not sure why I was always so inclined to lie to others. Maybe it was because of the strict environment I grew up in, maybe it was because I enjoyed it, maybe it was because there was genuinely something skewed in my brain. Despite this rotten habit, I could never seem to be dishonest with myself. In fact, I didn’t want to be. I prided myself on being self-aware. I carried this with me as I grew up, but recently, things have been weird.

Being vulnerable is hard. I don’t find it hard to trust those around me, but I also don’t go out of my way to divulge my secrets and struggles with them either. The fall of 2021 was a very hard time for me. I was majorly depressed, in the trenches of my eating disorder, and at some points had struggled with suicidal thoughts. These were not issues that I really discussed with anyone. If you have been in a dark place like that, you understand that it is hard to seek help. You become comfortable with being in a low state; it becomes all that you know. Even if there are highs and happy moments, you know that it will always come back down, so why waste any energy trying to pursue something that is only temporary?

I have grown a lot since then. I am now in a better place than I was, but I will also admit that I am not healed. I’m not suddenly all new and shiny and wrapped up with a pretty pink bow made to sit on a shelf for viewing. This has been the hardest thing to accept recently. This past week, I went on a family vacation and unfortunately got Covid. Being isolated and not physically well forced me to slow down the pace of my everyday life. It forced me to face some hard truths. I think that I have been scared to admit that I still struggle.

I had put all this effort into “fixing” myself and trying to heal, and saying that I am not better just feels like all of this work is going down the drain. I claimed to be on the road to recovery, but still panicked when Covid stripped me of my abilities to run long distances or hit the gym. I would say that my relationship with food is getting better, but calories and my next meals still consume my every thought. One day I would wake up with a clear mind, ready to conquer the world, and the next I would struggle to even get out of bed, my mind bogged down with depressive thoughts, my limbs made of iron. I would throw around excuses like it was just the side effects of my period or that I was just tired, but deep down, I knew it was bigger than that.

It is so frustrating to acknowledge that you are not healed. It feels like the journey is a never-ending one. When you are constantly trying to learn how to love yourself while still subconsciously beating yourself up, it drains you. The feeling is unexplainable. Trying to tell someone that you are beaten down by everyday life when nothing in your life is genuinely wrong feels fake. It’s a constant battle, and the hardest part isn’t the fight; it’s pushing yourself to get back up. It is so incredibly easy to slip back into a dark mindset.

But I’m here to tell you that the fight is worth it. It’s so worth it. And I may not be done with my own battle, but I can already tell you that the outcome is something I look forward to. Getting through life with external struggles is already difficult in itself; the last thing you want to do is deal with your internal struggles. But you should not give up on yourself. Just because you are not 100% healed does not mean you are still not a whole person. Continue fighting for that part of you that enjoys the sound of rain. Fight for that part of you that enjoys Sunday morning waffles and late-night cartoons. Fight for that part of you that feels like you only have half a heart but still love with a whole one. You are worth fighting for.

- Originally published July 11, 2022