Become more misandrist today!

I have a great life. I am privileged to live in a city I love, in a safe neighborhood, to be surrounded by people I love, and to have a contented livelihood. I am financially well off, but I strive to move through my days with humbleness, to remain grounded and peaceful. I am not trying to brag, but I am fortunate enough to recognize my able bodiness, my happiness, and my health. Yet, despite all of this, every day, I am constantly living in proximity to harm. Now, what I don’t want to do here is play the victim card. I am not saying this because of self-pity or to seek attention, but rather because it’s quite the harsh truth. And it is true for anyone who is female/woman identifying. The world we live in is not made for us; this isn’t meant to be a cry for sympathy, but just a blatant fact. But sometimes, most of the time, in my opinion,  it’s overlooked how deeply ingrained this power imbalance lives in our day-to-day.

I’m a tall girl (5’9”, to be exact). My preference when it comes to dating is someone who is taller than me. Always has been. And almost every rebuttal by a man has been to inquire what my weight is. For some reason, this is a universal response by men, from what I’ve seen on the Internet and from what I’ve heard from friends. They say this with a sense of gusto, like they’ve trapped us, as if comparing height and weight are similar in any sense (by the way, the equivalent of a woman asking a man’s height is a man asking a woman’s height. Just saying). And then, these same men are quick to follow up with accusations: if a man were to express superficial preferences in their partner, whether it is height or weight, then they would be crucified. And, well, yes!

There does exist a double standard between men and women when it comes to this issue. This double standard, however, is not related to critique. It’s related to context. Women can ask and say things that men can’t because that’s how power works. When one demographic of people has a proximity to power, and another has a proximity to harm, this double standard will arise naturally. It boils down to the patriarchy, which, at this point, sounds like a buzzword, but it’s the only term that really captures the reality of things. This double standard was set by men. Since the beginning of time, men demanded that women be smaller than they were, for them not to be imposing in society. So, of course, now a woman is more inclined to want a tall man because that makes us smaller and less imposing, a behavior and habit hammered into us since we were little girls. This is a direct response to the system requiring women not to take up space. Women may be mad about men having weight preferences, but for the most part, we’re just fed up about hearing about it and want these men to shut up about it and move on to someone else who fits their preference instead of degrading us. If you’re upset about being a short king, dismantle the system and leave us the hell alone.

We can’t talk about the double standard between men and women without touching on misandry. Misandry, by definition, is the dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against men. From what I’ve experienced, as soon as this term comes up in conversation, in a tweet, or in a comment, men get all up in arms about how unfair and unfounded it is that the saying “hate all men” is generally accepted among women. What they fail to understand is that misandry developed as a result of misogyny. Women’s misandry more often results in a desire for female separatism and generally wanting safety and space from men. They aren’t looking to physically harm the male species. Misogyny, on the other hand, often results in them feeling entitled to women, which includes assaulting, harassing, raping, and killing them if they say no. Misogyny is hating women; misandry is the product of being hated as a woman. 

The false equivalence fallacy, in terms of misogyny, is falsely comparing actinos as if they have equal weight. This can downplay the harm of systemic discrimination against women. This occurs when men argue that misandry is equally as harmful as misogyny, even when misogyny has a history of being rooted in structural power imbalances that create and sustain female subjugation. The dangers of this can frame misogyny as “normal”, which nowadays, it pretty much is, despite its harmful effects. Ingraining this into our everyday behaviors, brushing off misogynistic comments or actions, downplays the effects it can have on women. Ignoring these power dynamics creates false equivalences between behaviors rooted in patriarchy and other social issues, obscuring the ways that misogyny is often a tool of social control and hierarchy. 

Nobody who genuinely hates men hates men for no reason. It’s typically always in relation to their own safety and well-being. Meanwhile, a misogynist doesn’t hate a woman because they’re afraid of them or because women can systematically harm them; they hate women simply because of who they are, and they view women as beneath them. Men behave as if misandry is ruining their lives, as if knowing a misandrist causes the same kind of harm to them as misogyny does to women. I would bet my life that every woman personally knows or has been a victim of misogyny. Not every man can say the same about misandry. The same way that people of color can’t be racist to white people because they live in a system of power that benefits white people, women being misandrist doesn’t really hurt men in a system that benefits men. Hurting a man’s feelings because of misandry does not equate to women losing their lives because of misogyny. 

I will forever be proud that I am a tall girl. Sure, I have poked fun at men for being shorter than me, but I would never truly despise a man or treat him differently because he was shorter than me. But the number of men who make fun of women for their height, their weight, the clothes they wear, their laugh, their hair, their smile, the way they walk, their nail color, their college degree, their confidence, and the list goes on forever, is astonishing. What we call misandry and hate is really just fear and self-preservation. If you, as a man, are offended because someone said they hate all men, check yourself. Ask yourself why you feel so personally attacked by this statement, because the good men that I know, the allies, do not care when a woman is a misandrist. In fact, they agree with us because they know the horrors of being a woman. They know the system they live in, and they know that they do their best not to contribute to it.