There's something wrong with you, and that's okay

There are many things, many conversations and experiences, that used to be only shared between friends and four walls that have now seemed to become open dialogue for thousands and millions of strangers. First dates and horrible roommate stories are now shared online, barely anonymous, sometimes for the sake of sharing a funny story, other times a cry for help and consultation. Words, phrases, and advice that once only existed in a therapist’s office now permeate our everyday conversations, in trending videos, across tweets, and podcast episodes. We call our friends’ exes narcissists and are convinced that the reason we refuse to go on a second date is because of our avoidant attachment style. You’re gaslighting me, you can’t say that it’s triggering, I’m saying no because of personal boundaries, it’s not self-sabotage, I promise, it’s self-care. Our frantic need to diagnose every uncomfortable feeling and negative reaction has molded a second skin onto us, one made of refusal to embrace vulnerability and, dare I say, cowardice. We wear this armor around, in person and online, throwing around therapeutic buzzwords because we can’t stand the thought of something unknown. We have over-therapized ourselves, and our shields are starting to crack. 

It’s not inherently bad that we have adopted these remedial labels to help us identify pain points in our personality and our everyday behavior. For some, being able to clearly understand why they feel a certain way, or why they react in a specific manner, has allowed them to make significant changes to live a life more accessible and more enjoyable. This language has given more shape to feelings, made us feel less afraid of the pit in our stomach, or why our hands shake every time the phone rings. The widespread encouragement of therapy has no doubt helped many of us to become more open with our inner lives, share our inner thoughts with other people in hopes of finding a solution, or even just to form a connection with a like-minded individual. I am in no way disregarding the way that therapy and professional help have benefitted people across the globe.

However, our overuse of these words and our incessant need to constantly stamp every emotion and behavior with a label has led to a flattened life experience. We cram our feelings into categories, leaving little room for any interpretation, feelings that should be running free, ebbing and flowing as we continue on day by day. We seek out rigidity in our behaviors; the thought of any grey areas leaves margin for error, for discomfort and hurt. Things must be “bad” or “good” because we understand what those are. Anything in between right and wrong is land untread, shaky ground under supposedly stable feet. Human flaws become “red flags”, arguing becomes “gaslighting”, and criticism even becomes triggering for some people to hear. We’ve turned everyday, normal conversations into something clinical, weaponizing what are meant to be tools into something we can verbally spar with. We are taking approximations of reality at face value, and by doing so, we really miss out on what the crux of being human is. 

We have forgotten what it’s like to live in discomfort. Or rather, maybe we haven’t forgotten, but refuse to exist in a world where experiencing discomfort is a default setting we must be accustomed to. Though the stigma of therapy has been lifted, which is a positive occurrence, it seems that it has become presented as a solution to everything that needs “fixing”. Every wound, every broken heart, every fight, must be healed. We even pick at old scars that have become complacent, ripping open stitches that have long been forgotten just to bleed all over again, so we can find another cure. But life is not meant to be painless. It’s not meant to be balanced all the time; it’s not meant to be sunny skies and paved paths. Sometimes, you don’t need to heal every wound. You don’t need to consult someone with every crumbling relationship. You don’t need to justify every bad day you have, just like you don’t need to always need to know why you’re upset today. Sometimes, all you need to do is see it, feel it, and move the hell on.

Our “fix-it” mindset has basically short-circuited our mindset. Obviously, no one wants to feel physical or emotional discomfort, but it’s not something you can just sidestep like a rock in the road. Anxiety, grief, pain, embarrassment, and shame are all feelings we may experience daily. When we face these periods of negativity, our immediate urge is to resolve them. To get rid of them. How can we fast-track our lives to only the good parts? But by doing this, we are hindering our personal growth. Development occurs outside of our comfort zones. If we continue to push the usage of our over-therapized language into our commonplace lexicon, we will diminish our capacity for recilience. If we continue on this path of constant comfort, even the smallest of challenges will feel like Everest. 

We have lost the ability to accept the temporary bumps in our lives. Instead of just acknowledging the brief moments of unevenness in friendships, we have to place everything on the table, approach conversations with these phrases and reasoning as defense weapons, like we’re staking claim to our right to feel something without the intention and priority of hearing the other person out. There isn’t anything bad about using this vernacular, but it becomes a greater issue when we don’t think critically about how we use it, when we use it, and our intention behind using it. They should be a way to bridge gaps between misunderstandings and different perspectives, not ways for us to throw up defenses and justify why we are the good person in this scenario and they’re the villain. There are many, many times when we need to learn to swallow our resentments and simply move past them. 

It’s not most people’s objective to abuse therapy speak or to weaponize it. But we do love choosing the easy way out, every time. These words and phrases offer us a cognitive shortcut in understanding other people, but sometimes, to truly understand someone, to truly understand yourself, you need to take the long way around. You need to undergo the trials and tribulations of not understanding, of not feeling comfortable, of not always being right, and you need to be able to accept these discomforts. Otherwise, you will continue living in a world of shortcuts, living in a world where you need to reach below the surface of what’s right in front of you.