The plight of modern dating

It’s not that serious. At least, not yet. Many issues in our lives are easily improved upon by taking one initial step: shifting your perspective. The immediate dread we experience as soon as we hit a roadblock can easily influence how we go about solving problems, projecting our early emotions onto the rest of our actions. When we are able to alter the route our thought process takes, it can cause major changes in how we behave, how we interact with ourselves, with other people, and the world. 

Dating. It’s not that serious. At least, not yet. When I was an active member in the dating pool, this was my exact philosophy when it came to any sort of romantic pursuit. Especially with modern dating having shifted to the digital world, maintaining a firm grasp on this mindset was important to set myself up for the best “results” I was seeking. Dating should not be an end-all, be-all experience. It should be approached more as an anthropological study, a way to understand other people in order to better understand ourselves. When you go on dates with a stranger with the end goal of a relationship above the intent of learning about a new person, you begin to project your expectations onto them, anticipating a specific outcome, and eventually being disappointed when said outcome doesn’t come to fruition. When you view dating as an opportunity to learn more about the human condition as a whole, it opens the door to many, many new observations. Even when you don’t click with that person or have the right chemistry, you’re allowing yourself to immerse yourself in unique experiences with every date. 

Being human is encountering what we come across and simply taking it in. Because we have an innate instinct to believe that we are wasting our time when things don’t go our way, we become so selective that it ruins our connections with other people. When I was in the early stages of my dating journey, I was on dating apps and at bars in search of my own expectations. I was constantly trying to find someone who would fit into the mold of what I thought I wanted and needed. But when I began to shift my approach and mindset to dating, taking the pressure off the perfect picture person I had envisioned, I found myself enjoying the company of strangers I typically wouldn’t have assumed I would surround myself with. Through this challenge, I was also able to cultivate a healthier dynamic between myself and dating, with my expectations when it comes to romantic interests, and understanding the world a little better.

For some people, most people even, this might seem like some woo-woo bullshit that I’m spewing. But as someone who has found a person they love through modern dating and the world of online dating, I would hope to acknowledge that there is some grain of truth to this philosophy. The biggest test, so to speak, to approaching dating in this manner is that it requires emotional depth from both parties to make it truly worth the experience. If you don’t take the time to know the person you are dating, to ask thoughtful questions and engage with genuine curiosity, you will not reap the results you’re seeking. However, at the same time, even if you do find yourself stuck with a brick wall, where you’re the only person investing, opening up, and trying, there is something to be learned from other people who keep people around for comfort or convenience. That’s the beauty of this mentality. Even with any negative dates you go on, there is always something you can take away from it, whether it’s about the human condition or even facets of your own behavior.

It’s not easy to step outside your comfort zone. Especially as a woman in the dating world, there are external factors to prioritize, like safety. But setting those circumstances aside for now, the question is, how do you achieve this anthropological path to dating? The first, and maybe most daunting, step that I trialed was to open up my “type”. I thought that I knew what I wanted, so I kept setting myself up with the same type of people, and it ended the same way every time. And every time, I was still shocked and disappointed. With online dating, you’re kind of able to cheat the dating process and jump over the stage of getting to know each other, immediately bantering and flirting through text before meeting face-to-face. When you have the opportunity to spend time with someone else and explore them, whether that means being friends or something else, you also gain the opportunity to reflect and decide. That is how human relationships have always been formed. But with the digital dating world, we prioritize speed, efficiency, and success, so much so that we miss out on the slower aspects, and dare I say, the most valuable aspects of human beings. 

It’s all easier said than done to meet strangers without the attachment to a romantic relationship. Especially when you first encounter these strangers on a dating app. When you approach dating with an open mindset, with the goal of meeting someone new to learn something rather than any romantic end goal, you will gain so much more from that experience. Living life with open arms and curiosity makes life so much richer. Habitualizing learning and growing is fuel for us to chase and actually achieve our dreams. Dating is not, and should not be, a pursuit to find the “perfect” one or the “right” one because in reality, you and I are neither of those things. The goal should be to find a partner who enjoys you just as much as you enjoy them, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the pretty.

So, say yes to that date. Even if you don’t want to. You’ll never know where it will take you.