My Silver Linings Playbook

I spent most of my childhood and teen years living a life that wasn't mine. Since I was a child, I was prone to FOMO and was constantly concerned with how others perceived me. I had lost so much time being consumed by other people's opinions, whether they were real or not. I let other people define who I was, the things I liked, and the things I did. In other words, I was delusional.

Okay, so maybe not in those exact words, but going through a period of life like that made me truly understand how much I was living in my head and not in the reality of things. For so long, my life was controlled by those around me, people I knew, and even people I didn't. Whether it was consciously or subconsciously, I struggled to detach my autonomy from dependence on others. However, as much as these thoughts plagued me and dragged me down, it's a phase of my life that helped me reach where I am now. It taught me independence and the gift that is being your own best friend.

Don't Dive Because It's Not That Deep

I learned a lot about independence during a period of my life when I lived alone. Not necessarily physically, since I had a roommate I wasn't familiar with, but rather in a mental and emotional state. Because I was physically isolated from my friends, I had to learn how to do things on my own. It was lonely. Like, very, very lonely. At the time, I was used to being around my best friend all the damn time, and when that was ripped away from me, it felt like I had no one. In reality, that wasn't true. I still had all my friends, but because I wasn't seeing them all the time, it was tough for me. But over time, I became accustomed to being on my own. I started to take walks by myself, ask for a table for one at a restaurant, sit in the park, read, etc. I started to realize it wasn't that deep.

Most things in life are. And heavy on the most. Obviously, there are still some things that carry greater weight, but when you take a step back and look at the bigger picture, it's not that serious. I used to get upset when my friends were busy or if no one could accompany me to do groceries until I realized that it was genuinely not that big of a deal. Learning how to be your own best friend made me really understand that everyone is living their own life. Everyone is dealing with their own set of complex problems and relationships. At the risk of sounding too self-deprecating, but I am truly not as important as I make myself out to be. No one really is. It's easy for me to spiral into a pity hole, to think that everyone and everything is against me, but it's really not that deep. Just because my friend is taking a bit longer than usual to text me back doesn't automatically mean that they're mad at me. People are busy. People need to take breaks. I had to learn that I was not at the center of everyone's thoughts.

I recently listened to a podcast where the host said that her motto to life was "Everything is okay unless otherwise stated". Back then, it was easy for me to convince myself that there was a problem when there wasn't. Whether it was between friends, family, academics, or whatever it was. But it simply wasn't true. I used to live in a constant state of anxiety and exhaustion because I thought that someone in my life was upset with me. But the truth is that it's not my responsibility to worry about an issue that may not even exist. Meaning, if someone has an issue with me but hasn't told me so, then it's not my job to accommodate their unspoken feelings. At a certain point, you have to stop catering to someone because they're unable to communicate properly. If someone has an issue with me, then they have to sit me down for a conversation because otherwise, to me, everything is okay. At the end of the day, you should not have to read someone's mind to gauge their emotions. Being able to have that difficult conversation is so important to building a healthy relationship.

Trying To Have a Slippery Back

I have also spent a lot of time incessantly worrying about things that didn't really need that much attention. It's easy to look at things pessimistically. It's easy to have accidents or mistakes ruin your day. Whether it's a delayed flight, waking up too late, or losing something, many things can sour your mood. I used to ruminate on the smallest things, like staying up too late and not getting enough sleep or forgetting something as soon as I'm on the road. I would let one thing dictate the rest of my day. It's pretty easy to fall into a bad or sad mood and even easier to rot in it and let it overtake you. Now, I'm not speaking on things like mental illness or emotions like grief, but rather trivial things that we give the power to spoil our days. Ultimately, it always leaves me unhappy and doesn't have the greatest effect on the people around me.

It's all about the silver lining. When I can, I try to let the frivolous issues roll off my back and find the good in them. I slept past my alarm? Well, at least I got some good sleep and feel well-rested to take on the day. My flight got delayed? Well now I have some extra time to read and maybe even take a nap. I'm not saying to reject and suppress whatever emotion you're feeling. In fact, you have to let yourself feel it. Let yourself feel annoyed and angry, but don't let it overwhelm everything else. Take a second to sit in that emotion, and then move on. Life is too short to put energy into the negatives. No one wants to live a life full of pessimism. It's not fun for you or the people around you.

Now, I say all of this as if it's an easy feat to accomplish. It's not. It's taken me a couple of years to even reach this mindset, and it's not something I have achieved yet. It takes a lot of work to be able to let things go. I have to admit, it is oddly gratifying to hold a grudge and let yourself sink into a bad headspace, but I promise you it's even better to push your way out of it. Personally, I've experienced a lot of growth, both mentally and emotionally, by changing the way I perceive a lot of circumstances. With all that being said, I'm not trying to shame anyone into changing their behavior. You can't approach yourself with hostility and expect a positive change. It pretty much all boils down to finding love for yourself and loving yourself into evolution.