Life Doesn't Have Favorites (But I Wish It Did)

Navigating Post-Grad Life and My Breakup

Everyone who says that your 20s are the best and worst years of your life is painfully accurate. In fact, I despise how true it is. I'm only a year (or two, depending on how you count it) into my twenties, and I've already experienced more loss, confusion, and life lessons than I have in all the previous twenty years of my life combined. As I've mentioned many times previously, I recently graduated from college meaning I'm currently in the awkward, complicated phase of life that is "post-grad". And let me tell you, I am not having a blast.

For most people, this period of life is incredibly daunting. After graduating from college, you're probably one of three people: you're attending graduate school, you're on the job hunt, or you're taking the time to see what else the world has to offer. For me, I've been funemployed (unwillingly) for the past couple of months. Coupled with my recent breakup, I feel like the rug has been ripped out from under me and nothing I'm doing is helping me find my balance. So, to say that I’ve been struggling would be an understatement. Let me break it down.

The Breakup

If you read my last post, you would know that my partner and I have, at this point, separated. As much as we planned for this, nothing really prepared me for the pain I felt and still feel. It has been a bit over two weeks since the breakup, and life has been extremely gloomy. The first week after the breakup, I have never been in so much emotional pain. The grief consumed me and suffocated me every second of the day. There hasn't been a day where I haven't cried. When you experience a healthy breakup and a parting from someone who you still love, and they still love you, the misery you experience is like nothing else. I would never wish it on my worst enemy. It was truly earth-shattering. I'm still in the thick of the healing process; I would be lying if I said I wouldn't take him back if he asked. Though I do have moments of clarity and brief periods of contentment, the dull ache of missing him is always there, like a hum in the background. Most days, it feels as if it will never go away.

Grief is a powerful emotion. It's paralyzing at times, and it really feels as if your life is ending. It feels like you're dying. It's a conversation I'm still having with my ex-partner. For me, the hardest part is enduring no contact. Losing your boyfriend is one thing, but losing a best friend is a whole other loss. You never realize how much you cherish the mundanity of a good morning text or updating someone on the smallest details of your day until it's gone. Every day, my fingers hover over his text messages, itching to reach out and ask if he misses me as much as I miss him. But, I don't. Surprisingly, it's not at my lowest points when I feel the most tempted to initiate contact. It's during the good moments, the highs, the successes where I feel the heavy tug of longing. I miss sharing the victories with my person and being able to relish in the excitement with someone else.

So, why I am telling you all of this? Well, firstly, expressing my thoughts and emotions somewhere other than my tear-stained sweatshirts is cathartic. It's also refreshing. And, I hope that if anyone else is going through a breakup, they can find this and know that they're not alone. Everything they're feeling is completely valid. But, there's also the way that this breakup has influenced my perception of the things in my life. This extreme emotional turmoil has amplified many of the other unfavorable circumstances that I'm currently facing. Namely, the dreaded job search.

Figuring Out My Future

It's not new news that the job market is completely shit right now. I can't tell you much about the economy but from someone who's been on the job hunt for a couple of months, it's not the biggest self-esteem booster. Before my breakup, being unemployed was just another blip in my life. But once you've been beaten to the ground by one thing, adding another battle onto your plate feels impossible. Constantly riding the wave of negative emotions is tremendously draining. Having to focus on self-growth and figuring out my career has felt like a full-time job in itself. It feels as if I've been living in a constant state of rejection.

It's exhausting feeling like you're not enough and like your self-worth and value are being stripped away every day. It leaves you raw and vulnerable. Living in this post-grad period feels as if everything is slipping through my fingers like I'm always three steps behind everyone else. The toughest pill to swallow is that it's not even real. Most of these thoughts are just a battle with my inner self. My experience is not individual; there are probably thousands of people who can relate to this age of confusion and feeling lost. And though I have an amazing support system of friends and family, it's really only up to me to pull myself back onto my feet. When you're in a stage of unknowing and hurt, all you want to do is fast forward to the good part. But obviously, we can't do that. And that's the ironic thing about it all. This pain, this disorientation, and turmoil is the good part. At the moment, it doesn’t feel like it, but this is where the magic happens.

And so, the grief is still here. The pain is still here. The wondering and the confusion are still here. Realistically, they'll all be here for a while. I don't know when the desperation of wanting my person back will fade. Maybe someday down the road, we will naturally find our way back to each other, but those aren't the thoughts that I need to dwell on right now. Some days, it takes everything in me to get out of bed. On other days, I'm filled with renewed excitement for what life has in store for me. I'm not on a journey of self-discovery. I know who I am. In fact, this is probably the most confident and comfortable I've felt with myself ever. But, it's easy to fall into the spiral of "what if's" and "what could have been's". It's easy to let the negative thoughts consume you and eat away at your brain until all that's left is a hollow shell of who you used to be. Life isn't easy. Life has a funny way of putting you through the pits of hell to get you where you're supposed to be. But that's the whole point. You can't grow and learn without the bad days. You can't get to the peak without the tiresome trek up the mountain. So, I promise you. Wherever you are, whatever you're feeling, you are exactly where you're supposed to be.