Learning About Feminism Ruined My Life

I often think about walking alone at night, the beep of a car and whether it's directed to me or the rush hour traffic, and how I lower the volume of my voice while men are applauded for their volume of theirs. I think about how the terms "womanizer" and "whore" are synonymous with each other, yet one is lauded and the other is an insult. I think about this quote often: "Girlhood is just like godhood; a begging to be believed". Recently, I've thought about even more. In my penultimate semester at college, I took a gender and communications course where we dove into the essays of bell hooks and Betty Friedan, and my entire worldview shifted. Since then, there hasn't been a day where I don't think about the experiences of girlhood.

In spite of what the title says, my musings lie closer to how the world we live in is built for men, not necessarily feminism itself. However, there is no denying that feminism plays a part in how we can rally for equality for women. My thoughts here are merely scratching the surface of what is entrenched in our society.

The subtleties in everyday life

There are so many routine things that are ingrained into our everyday life that are biased toward men. I recently read an article about how the 9-5 workday and the financial system were built by men, for men. I'm not going to go too into depth on this subject since this article articulates it a lot clearer than I would be able to. But, even beyond that, minute details in our vocabulary and behavior inherently shame women. For example, the things we deem "guilty pleasures". When it came to reading, I would always regard romance novels as my guilty pleasure. We view boy bands and pop music as guilty pleasures. Why? It's no coincidence that many of these things are enjoyed mostly by women. So many hobbies and simple pleasures in life that are favored mostly by women are seen as frivolous. We love mocking teenage girls with their love for Starbucks and VSCO when they're simply just living their life. Gender bias exists in seat belts to the medical system to the literal temperature in an office building. I haven't even touched the surface of intersectional feminism and how women of color experience feminism on a whole different plane, but that's a whole other subject I don't feel comfortable broaching since I have yet to truly understand it.

Looking back, learning a lot of this information was truly depressing. Becoming acutely aware of how people behaved and spoke around me wasn't the most enlightening thing. However, shedding light on all of these details isn't me trying to be pessimistic or start a revolution against men. My point is that by becoming aware of the subtleties in our everyday life, we can fight for change on a smaller scale. As much as I would like to, it's not plausible that I’m going to storm into Congress or wherever to demand that abortion become legalized again, but I can request my office to not be a literal ice cube when I come into work. At first glance, it may seem pointless and petty, but I believe that with everything that men don't realize they have to work in their favor, we women have the right to demand more.

bell hooks defined two types of feminists: reformists and revolutionists. Reformist feminism is the ideology that we can teach and transform antifeminists by emphasizing gender equality. Revolutionary thinkers believe that the system that our society is built on is inherently sexist (the patriarchy), and the only way to change it is to tear everything down and start over. As much as I would love to believe that equality can be achieved through reformation, I don't believe it's possible. At the same time, do I believe that eliminating centuries of history that built our patriarchal society is possible? Also no. So, really, where does that leave us? To be quite honest, I'm not sure. All I know is that I try to do my part by continuing to educate myself, listen to others, and challenge the status quo we live in.

Is this the fate that we're doomed with?

At the risk of sounding preachy when I say this, but I believe that people labeling themselves as feminists is simply not enough. Don't get me wrong; I'm by no means implying that I'm a perfect example of what a feminist is. But in my day-to-day life, I've been trying to make conscious efforts to learn more about feminism on all dimensions: intersectionality, embracing my feminine side, making more significant strides to understand my female companions, etc. For example, I'm an avid believer that male feminists can gain a lot of insight into the female experience and womanhood by reading novels about women written by women. (some of my favorites include Happy Hour by Marlowe Granados, Ghosts by Dolly Alderton, Tennis Lessons by Susannah Dickey, and Writers and Lovers by Lily King).

Having difficult conversations is something I've found myself doing more often. Initially, I started engaging in discussions with my partner about what he believes feminism is. I specifically recall a conversation my partner had with this one kid he rock climbs with. This boy would talk about his relationship with his girlfriend and how he was allowed to be polygamous, but his girlfriend wasn't. He then went on to argue more points that were blatantly against any agency for women. My partner explained all this to me with the overlying point that all of it was funny because of how ignorant the kid was. I disagreed.

It's not really funny when the sexist comments that these people make directly affect the way that they would treat me and other women. It's not really funny when that is the reality for some women. This specific incident catalyzed an ongoing conversation with my partner. Luckily, my partner is an open-minded individual and was willing to listen to my side. I offered him the examples above of how many things are inherently biased towards males, and despite how out-of-touch some people like that boy is, it's still important to dissent. Having these types of conversations with people I feel comfortable with was the first step in the right direction. The next step is earning how to have a productive conversation with people who have opposing views. It's a double-edged sword. Some people are unwilling to hear the other side. Other people are willing to learn. Other ways to combat gender bias are to reflect on your own interactions for bias, audit your media choices, and understand any privilege you have. It starts with you.

Being female is painful and a blessing and a nightmare and the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Living in a world where things always seem to be against you is exhausting, but being a woman is worth it. There are many things to cherish: the intimacies of female friendships, finding your voice and confidence, embracing femineity however you perceive it, and many more. It's a war, but it's one worth fighting for.