It's A Mad, Man's World

I recently listened to a girl online (yes, from a TikTok) discuss how dating men has required her to sacrifice self-expression, which has caused her to stop dating in general. This piece of discourse really sent me into a prolonged thought spiral of dating in today’s climate, specifically within cis-gender, heteronormative relationships. The unfortunate reality is that there is truth to her statement, and from my own personal experiences, I have had to sacrifice my self-respect to maintain some sort of peace with the other person. 

I am aware that all of this is a generalization, but I’ve witnessed and experienced it enough times and have discussed it with other women for it to be something that should be brought to attention. When speaking on the dynamics of heterosexual relationships, it requires some sort of self-abandonment as a woman. The funny thing is, most men don’t respect when you do that. They want you to be quirky and funny and intelligent and creative, but not when you are all of those things more than they are. We as women have been taught and forced to slot ourselves to fit into the lives of men instead of two partners finding an equal balance of their own selves within a relationship. 

We live in a man’s world - that’s the hard, cold truth. As a woman, regardless of whether in a romantic or platonic relationship, you experience a relinquishing of parts of yourself just to be accepted and fit in. It’s not that there is an inherent disrespect for women (I say this very, very weakly. Could be argued differently), but it’s that the men who do respect women may only do so when it benefits them. When it begins to affect their own morale or self-esteem, they may not be as assured in their respect for women. And when this dynamic is played out in a romantic relationship, it creates a whole different imbalance between the partners. 

This is where the concept of decentering men has become a big topic of conversation online lately. Decentering men is not equivalent to misandry and does not mean constantly speaking ill against all men, but rather proactively not considering a man’s feelings as more important than your own. I know that some men think we as women are being dramatic and that we may be starting to treat them unfairly by decentering them, but that’s because most men don’t realize that ever since the patriarchal system was built, they have been the center of everything. And as people begin to move away from that belief, it may feel unjust to them. For some people, experiencing equality can feel like oppression when you have been at the top of the pyramid all your life, stepping on everyone else’s necks, since the beginning of history.  

I will admit that trying to decenter men has taken a strong, conscious effort in my mindset and habits. It has forced me to allow discomfort because I’m letting myself make decisions based on how I feel rather than how it will be perceived by men, double-checking my motives to be sure I’m not doing something just to impress a man. This also isn’t to say that you can’t be with a man romantically while also decentering men. Two truths can exist at the same time. It’s similar to how you love your friends and family, but they don’t dictate your decisions and actions. You aren’t constantly seeking validation from them, whether consciously or subconsciously. This sounds rather simple, but when you’ve grown up in a world where a man’s opinion matters the most, it’s a hard behavior to break out of. 

There’s also an added layer when it comes to racially diverse relationships. I once asked an ex-partner if they ever thought about the fact that as a white man, they were dating someone who wasn’t white. They said “No”. Honestly, it blew my mind. As a woman of color, specifically an Asian American, the personal dynamics in my relationships are extremely clear to me, whether they are balanced or not. I’m not even scratching the surface of my relationships from an outside perspective whenever I date a white man, which is typically followed with the accusation of “Oxford study”. That’s a whole different conversation. 

The solution also isn’t that a man should be sacrificing their self-expression to be with a woman, but there should be equal compromise. You should not have to abandon your passions and hobbies just because you are with someone who doesn’t share the same interests. The amount of stories I’ve heard of women who are genuinely interested in learning about what their partner likes and tagging along to events they may not want to go to but do so in order to support the person they love, yet it’s never reciprocated from the man for the woman’s interests, is genuinely disheartening. 

It’s my dream that every man I encounter, or even just every man that exists, is radically and actively aware of these dynamics, but it doesn’t seem plausible. The issue is that empathy takes a willingness to learn, and not everyone is willing enough to do so. It’s also not our job as women to teach a man what it’s like to live under these pressures, both spoken and unspoken. It’s not our job to educate them on misogyny and how just because something may not affect the relationship/person directly, it doesn’t mean they shouldn’t care. 

At the end of the day, women shouldn’t have to settle for a man when the man isn’t even willing to try and be better. Learning how to subvert and unlearn patriarchal norms doesn’t happen overnight, but acknowledging and realizing how your worth as a woman is inherently tied to your role as a wife or a mother or a girlfriend is extremely eye-opening. I hope for a world where this isn’t the reality, but nothing is going to change without proactive measures. So in the meantime, I will continue to be too loud, too expressive, too emotional, and too much for men because I refuse to be anything less than the woman that I am.