Finding Yourself Is a Scapegoat For Most Things Unspoken

Life has a funny way of kicking you in the teeth right when you think everything is alright. It's May, the end of a long academic year, the beginning of summer, and it seems like freedom is right within reach. I graduated from college recently, and instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment, all I felt was despair, regret, and longing for a life that I had already lived. The feeling that sits in the pit of my stomach is a rock, immovable by all the unanswered questions that plague my mind day and night. I am someone who has lived with the privilege of financial stability, the gift of higher education, and a strong support system. But now I am still living in the place where I used to pour my heart over projects and studying, but now I have no prospects for a future career, wondering if somewhere along the line I fucked up and if everything I did was for nothing. I know that it's not true. Everything I have done has led me here for a reason, and everything will work out for me, but it's hard to not feel directionless in the meantime. It's hard not to sit and wonder where in time I had begun to lose myself.

To start off, it's all bullshit. I didn’t lose myself. I have wandered down this path many times, the path of attempting to find myself in hopes of finding something shiny and brand-new. I have thought a lot about wiping the slate clean, moving somewhere far from here to start over in an attempt to find myself, as if "finding myself" was the same as beginning a new life. That's simply not how it works. Suddenly changing who you are, what you like, and what you do does not negate your past self. Life does not suddenly accept you as a novel being, as if the disapproval of where you are now will grant you access to a faultless future.

Why do we want to deny the mistakes we've made in the past? Do the pitfalls we endure not shape us into who we are today? Who are we without growth? Who are we if we don't fuck up and say the wrong things sometimes? The faults and errors you have made in years past are still a part of you, and that's not a bad thing. You can reject the person you were ten, five, or three years ago, but you will always carry that version of yourself with you. And that's not a bad thing. All the decisions you made, the people you've met, and the places you’ve been are what make you who you are today. You are not an object to be discovered, to be dug out from the dirt and presented on a pedestal like some long-lost treasure. You are here; you will always be right here.

I'm not saying it's bad to pursue greater things, to want more for yourself. But if you feel as if you are stuck in life, like things have suddenly become stagnant and everything you've done has been for nothing, it does not mean that you are suddenly lost. The confused, directionless version of you is still you. You're not searching for yourself, but rather something to help you feel "right" again. But, you are not the destination. You are the journey. It's the trials and tribulations that define you, not the peak of the mountain. As a human, life is about learning who you are. I'm not the same person I was a decade ago, and I won't be the same person in five, ten years. I could be settled down with a family, a stable career, and a steady influx of income. But that doesn't mean that I will suddenly know who I am. There are so many things you will continue to figure out down the road. You may not have all those pieces now, but that doesn't mean you aren't a whole person.

I've felt like I've been static for so long when in reality it's only been less than a month. It's the unknowing, the unpredictability of what's next that scares me the most. When I don't have a tangible grip on my future, it feels as if I've lost control over myself. Losing that sense of agency is terrifying, but I have to continue reminding myself that it's also necessary in times like these. Feeling out of place and uncomfortable during a transition period only means that I'm also experiencing growth. I can't have power over everything, and that's okay. That's how it's supposed to be. When it feels like I've lost a sense of self, I have to remind myself it's okay to wander, but still, I am here. I will always be right here.