Finding Solace On A Blank Page And Lamenting Things I Still Have

A brief look into my mind: a couple of pages from my journal that I have structured into a more coherent piece. The following is what I call the three horsemen of my current state of mind.

Fear

I very recently graduated from college as a first-generation student. Despite such a big accomplishment, I feel like I'm still failing because now it seems as if all my years of education and work have only amounted to stress and unemployment. I have always labeled myself as Type A, someone who appreciates a plan and a schedule. For me, spontaneity was always accompanied by guilt if I hadn't checked off everything on my to-do list. I enjoy early mornings and productivity and understanding my personal boundaries so I don't burn myself out. But right now, the trajectory of my future is everything but a plan.

The fear that plagues me isn't one of horror, but rather constant anxiety of wondering if I'm making a mistake. With every second of free time, I feel as if I have to be writing or sending out a job application or doing something that will put me on the "right" track. I've been putting pressure on myself to live a certain life when I should dwell in uncertainty and freedom because soon it will be gone. It's scary to not know my direction in life when it feels like I should have figured it all out already. The fear is less overwhelming and more just a constant buzz in the back of my mind. It's like the devil on my shoulder, constantly reminding me that everything is up in the air. However, despite the perpetual dread, the only way to overcome a fear is to experience it. I know that I may be struggling right now, but I also know that it also means that I'm growing.

Grief

In my mind, when I don't think about something, it doesn't exist to me. That's how it sort of works, right? Without the knowledge of something, how can I possibly even come to terms with understanding it? That's how I've been thinking about particular things in my life until very recently. I had a serious conversation with someone about the unpredictability of life and though I can't always plan everything, that doesn't mean I shouldn't be aware of it and thinking about it. I had to really consider the different paths I could go and what this meant for specific factors in my life, like relationships. I am starting a new chapter of my life, which in itself is super exciting, but it also means that I'm closing a chapter, losing and letting go of certain things in my life. This made me sad. Like, incredibly sad. Still, to this day, I can't think too hard about everything, or else I will probably break down into tears.

Grief is a tough feeling to stew in. It's an even weirder experience when you're grieving something that is still in your life. I have grieved many things, from exes to a passed loved one to a past version of myself. I still think about my life a year ago today and how I wish I had cherished those moments more because soon, everything would change. At the moment, it feels like I'm grieving my present, like throwing a funeral for someone still alive. It's an odd emotion like something is wrong but at the same time, it isn't. Change hasn't happened yet. However, the understanding that change is looming in the future haunts me every day. It's difficult for me to have a clear grasp of how to handle a feeling like this. There's a burden on me to enjoy every moment and relish in the life I'm living now, but it's hard to do so when there's a ball of anxiety riddled in my stomach. It's like every day is a good day, but with every good day, I'm inching closer and closer to the end of something. The worst part is, I may not even be aware of when everything is shifting. Change can be quick, like the drop of a bowling ball, or it can be subtle, like water dripping out of a loose faucet, slowly filling up a container without any notice.

I still have yet to understand how to grapple with this type of grief. It comes in waves but when it does, it's all-consuming. And every time I seem to be within reach of a state of contentment, it's suddenly whisked away, barely brushing through my outstretched hands. But, as much as I want to rid myself of this grief, the only way to do so is to go through and grow through this period of life.

Excitement

Despite all of the negative emotions constantly ruminating in my head, I also know that a part of me is extremely excited for the future. The fear of unpredictability also comes with a thrill of what is yet to come. The feeling of anxiety is physiologically almost the same as the feeling of excitement, so at the beginning, it was hard for me to separate the two emotions. But gradually, I realized that I'm also excited to discover what life has in store for me. Change is inevitable in life, and there isn't any way to avoid it. With change comes growth, which means becoming a better version of yourself. As much as I love the place I'm in currently and the people I have around me, there is still so much more for me to learn, so many more experiences for me to live, and so many more people for me to meet.

At this point in time, I have two options: I can either freak out every day and try to force a plan for a future that I think is right for me, or I can allow myself to be present. I can go with the flow and understand that this is the process to arrive at the point and the life that I’m supposed to live. Yes, I am experiencing a constant state of stress and worry, but this is where I am supposed to be right now. I can try to force everything in my life to remain stagnant, but at the end of the day, it's just not realistic. I can try to stay still, but life will continue to move on, with or without me. It's not easy to shove the worry and negative thoughts aside, but prioritizing consciousness and presence in my day-to-day life has helped me appreciate each moment for what it is. I am where I’m meant to be, and life goes on.