Being in a Relationship as Someone Who Sucks at Them

I have grown to have a love-hate relationship with relationships. I think I’ve dipped my toes in the dating pool enough times over my high school and college years to safely say that relationships are not my biggest strengths. Don’t get me wrong, as someone who is in a healthy and loving relationship, I adore my partner and all the memories we’ve created. That’s not the issue. If we could boil down all of the pitfalls of my past relationships to one root problem, the answer would be me. Sit tight. This is gonna be a long one.

Idealization

I think that at one point or another, we’ve all fallen victim to the idea of a person. We always dream of the “what could have been” and the “what if’s” that we are blind to the reality of who someone really is. There are so many times where I’ve built someone up in my head to be this perfect match for me, someone that can seem to do no wrong in my eyes. And maybe that’s me wanting to always see the good in someone, or maybe it’s me just blindsided by the butterflies in my stomach whenever they text me back, but the harsh truth is that it’s just not real.

The first time that I ever really understood my tendency to idealize someone was this boy that I had never even met while I was studying abroad. Several weeks of constant conversation and promises of dates and falling in love quickly fell short after he decided that it was best to cut things off before I came back home. To say that I was devastated would be a complete understatement. It took me over two years to completely move on past this boy that i’ve never even seen in real life.

Two. Years. For a boy I’ve never even breathed the same air as.

I refused to accept the truth for so long. And the truth is that I never really knew him. What we had, or what i thought we had wasn’t real. Not in a way where he faked interest in me, but rather what I thought were blinding rays of the sun on a hot summer day was really just a dim lamp in the corner of the living room, barely shedding enough light to see across the couch. I had created this fantasy in my head of what we could have been when we really never were, anything.

Old Habits

In all of my past relationships, each one has been unique in their own right, but there was one thing that remained somewhat consistent throughout. For me, there was a constant need to be in communication with them. A need to know what they were up to at that exact moment, what they had for lunch, what song were they listening to, etc. I know for some people, this doesn’t present an issue for them. But for me, it was just the beginning of succumbing to negative emotions and bad habits.

In romantic relationships, I have what they call “anxious attachment”. Basically, when it comes to my partner, I always want to be close with them but are afraid that they don’t want to be with me. A slight change in tone or a missing punctuation in a text can completely flip my mood on its head in seconds. As someone who’s main love language is words of affirmation, I’m always providing reassurance and compliments and affection for my partner. But it was hard for me to understand that for other people, they won’t show love in the same way. My current partner is someone who isn’t much for words of affirmation — instead he shows he cares in different ways. Still, this is something that I still struggle to come to terms with.

It’s hard to stop putting the same expectations on different people. It takes time to be comfortable with how other people show affection, especially when you are used to it in another way. However, this isn’t to say that there shouldn’t be open communication if you feel like their difference in behavior can start to feel like a lack of effort. It’s all about compromise in a relationship. You give and you take, but at the end of the day, you should be two independent units coming together as one, fighting for a common goal.

Setting Boundaries

Being in my current relationship was frankly the last thing that I wanted to commit to when we first started talking. At the time, before we both confessed our feelings for each other, I was finally in a place where I felt like I didn’t need someone else in my life. For many, many months prior, I was struggling with so many internal battles and mental health issues that it seemed like there was no end. But things did get better. I was able to find love for myself and not rely on others to find happiness. And to meet someone that tugged on my heartstrings scared me. I didn’t want to fall back into old habits.

I have always struggled with co-dependency. To overcome that barrier felt like hitting 100 milestones at once. But then it felt like a temptation. It was like giving an alcoholic a glass of whiskey after three months sober — this one thing could bring me back to 0 in an instant. However, I hadn’t endured all that growth for nothing. I had created a routine for myself — a schedule that I refused to change for anyone. This is what’s kept me more or less grounded recently; I wasn’t going to change my routine for someone, but I was willing to fit him into it. This allowed for us to enjoy time together but also go off and live as separate people. and to be honest, it’s still something I struggle with: being torn between knowing that alone time is good for me and wanting to spend every moment with my partner.

Finding that healthy balance is crucial. It’s a team effort. Some days, one of us has to pull a little more weight, but when it comes down to it, setting those personal boundaries can make a whole world of a difference. It’s something I have yet to perfect. There are days where I can feel myself slipping into anxious habits, but slow progress is still good progress. Be there for others, but most importantly, be there for yourself.

- Originally published April 21, 2022