A friend to all is a friend to none

Are you a nice person? Are you a kind person? Are you both? Are you neither? 

Throughout my life, the pattern of people who have historically screwed me over or taken advantage of me has been leftist, progressive, liberal, nice people. It is through these unfortunate experiences that I have learned that my perception of “nice” and “kind” was completely misguided. The actions of these so-called nice people have caused me to question my own identity. I have known these past acquaintances to be such nice people, but suddenly their facade falls away, and I’m left questioning who they are underneath all this niceness. I assume it must be something wrong with me, that I am at fault for the way they treated me, because oh my gosh, they wouldn’t do this to me, they’re so nice.

 It’s not really something you think about until you come across someone whose claim to fame is that they’re “not a nice person”. This person could either be the worst person you’ll ever meet or someone whose depth will reframe your perspective on your definition of nice. In essence, the adjective “nice” is boiled down to demeanor, whereas kindness relies on behavior, how one acts around and with other people. A long-running anecdote (that, arguably, is rooted in truth) is that people from the East Coast are kind but not nice, while West Coast natives are nice but not kind. One of my favorite comedic skits perfectly captures this sentiment, where a Boston resident will curse you out for walking too slowly on the sidewalk but still refer to you with your preferred pronouns. 

Niceness is a mask. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, as long as your actions are based on kindness. Being nice is being polite, doing what’s expected of you. People who are nice try their best not to offend others and to get along with virtually everyone. It has more to do with manners and customs, cooperating with people on the surface. It can be a selfish endeavour in the long run because people who are nice often have an end goal in mind. There isn’t anything wrong with that, in general. Niceness with strangers and acquaintances, and casual friends, is actually something you should probably strive for. Kindness, on the other hand, is often devoid of motive. There is genuineness to your actions, authentically caring about others. You’re willing to help someone when they need it, even at your own inconvenience, and you understand the importance of brutal honesty, doing things in their best interest, not your own. Some people are good, and some people are only just well-behaved.

Kindness is a choice. Niceness is a performance. As humans, none of us is perfect. Not a single person walking on this planet is nice all the time, and when that veneer of niceness is cemented into someone’s personality, I can’t help but raise an eyebrow. It’s ironic because for me to fully trust someone, I want to see that edge to their psyche. Not malice or cruelty, but almost a bit of an ego or sharpness to your demeanor. This also brings into the conversation the intersectionality of niceness (because intersectionality exists in everything!!). The intersectionality of gender, of race, of political beliefs, etc. As I mentioned earlier, I mostly surround myself with people who are left-leaning, feminists, and people who share the same morals as I do. Yet, despite us aligning on almost all of these things, these are the same people who have done me dirty time after time. In past romantic situations, where these leftist men are seemingly so nice, and all of a sudden, their stinger comes out. Sometimes, I would almost prefer the outright misogyny of right-leaning men than the sneaky, insidious nature of leftist men, men who are supposed to embody this morally upright, nice persona. 

We often get caught up in the concept of supporting a marginalized group and forget that this group is made of real, individual human beings. There are many nice people who are outspoken against racism, but in turn don’t feel as if they need to examine their own internalized biases because they’re already standing on the “right side of history”. By doing this, they overcorrect and flatten an entire demographic of people and fit them into this box, a singular interpretation of personhood. These people who harbor so much of their attention on being perceived as nice don’t actually recognize that the stem of the issues they claim to believe in (misogyny, racism, ableism, etc.) is actually themselves. It all goes deeper than this, but some (or most of) these nice people subconsciously adhere to the opinion that they can bypass the activism and conscious deconstruction of the corrupt system and hierarchies by just voting the “right” way. They consider themselves nice, good people because they voted correctly, but then do nothing further to prove their outspoken anti-whatever claims. Actions truly do speak louder than words. 

How many times have you said thank you because you thought you had to, without actually knowing why you were saying it? It’s a very minor yet digestible comparison to acting out of niceness and acting out of kindness. Niceness is transactional, and kindness is the foundation. Lena Dunham said it best: We have prioritized manners over ethics. Encountering people who perform niceness is challenging because they will want to maintain this label at all costs. At the end of the day, you will become a casualty if it comes down to it. The title overrules the behavior that supposedly aligns with it. 

A friend to all is a friend to none.