Notes On An Expiring Relationship

Milk. Credit cards. Sunscreen. Running sneakers. My relationship. A very random list of things, but they all hold one thing in common: an expiration date.

Okay, I know what you're thinking. Sunscreen expires? Yeah, it's time to throw out that Neutrogena spray bottle at the bottom of your beach bag. Kidding. The elephant in the room obviously isn't an SPF product. My relationship is currently nearing its expiration date. This may be a bizarre concept to some, and to others, it may be too familiar of an experience. As I have mentioned a couple of times in my previous posts, I recently graduated from college. My partner, however, is attending college for an extra year. So, already, the trajectory of our future is pretty different. I'm currently on the hunt for a job, and he's trying to remember which classroom to go to next. I know that to many people that this difference in lifestyles is not drastic. From the sound of it, it honestly sounds manageable. But, as life happens, there are so many other factors that are preventing us from progressing down the same road together. For the sake of our well-being, the connection we have built, and our future, we have decided to split up at the end of the month.

It's fucking hard. A breakup is one of, if not the most, difficult emotional experience you can go through. Putting a deadline on a still-breathing relationship is almost even harder. It's an odd feeling to feel as if you're grieving something you still have. Though we are still enjoying our time together at the moment, it almost feels as if we are breaking up every time I see him. It's as if I am on a rollercoaster; I can see all the ups and downs, the twists and turns. I am slowly riding up the incline and bracing myself for the fall. I know it's happening, and I know when it's happening, but once the cart plummets down, I'm still unprepared for the drop in my stomach and the scream that escapes my mouth.

There has been a lot of debate over whether a relationship with an expiration date is worth staying in. Trust me, I've done my research. Would be easier to just rip off the bandage as soon as possible? Or is it worth it to cherish every last moment you have with your partner before you go your separate ways? There isn't a right answer. Obviously, the answer is different in every relationship. For us, we decided to stay together for the time being is what we want. It's complex. Every time we're together, I'm grateful for each second we have. But it's also hard to ignore the impending doom, the rain clouds on the horizon that threatens to sweep the sun away. To be frank, it's something I think about all the time. As you can imagine, it's pretty impossible to not think about losing someone you love.

Navigating the next couple of weeks seems almost unfathomable. On the one hand, all I want to do is spend every waking (and sleeping) moment with my partner. I don't want to lose a second with them. But, at the same time, I don't want to completely cut myself off from my friends knowing they're who I'm going to lean on after the breakup occurs. It's a balance I have yet to master, and I doubt it's one I'll be able to figure out either. There's something incredibly surreal about the anticipation of a breakup you know is approaching. Every time we hang out with his friends, I have to wonder if it's the last time I'll ever see them. Every time we go somewhere together, I can't help but be burdened with mourning that it's the last time we'll go there together. It's almost as if I'm experiencing a funeral with every last occasion we have. I'm constantly bracing myself for the future. I go about my daily routine, imagining that I am doing it all without the expectation of a text back from him. I think about my future weekend nights, having to figure out what to do with my time while my roommates may be going on dates with their partners. I wonder how I'll handle the heartbreaking nostalgia of wanting to sleep with someone beside me.

I get that this is a very personal topic to write about, baring my vulnerabilities and souls to my multitude of readers (in this case, multitude = less than five people). Writing has always been my safe haven. Putting all of my thoughts down onto a blank page is cathartic; it's almost like talking to a friend about it. It's a healthy way for me to cope with the gradual heartbreak. I haven't suffered through a breakup since my senior year of high school. And that relationship was only six months long. At this point, my partner and I have been together for almost a year and a half. It isn't the longest of relationships, but it's my longest one to date. The thought of navigating single life for the first time since 2021 is daunting. It will be an adjustment to live with the pain without pursuing anything or anyone to fill that hole. It isn't something I can wrap my head around right now, but I know that whatever happens, I will come out the other end strong as hell.

In the grand scheme of things, I think about how young I still am. At only 21, I have my whole entire life ahead of me. My 20s are supposed to be a petri dish of mistakes, friendships, love, lust, and everything in between. Though I feel as if things are all going downhill right now, I have to keep reminding myself that I am where I'm supposed to be. Everything will eventually fall into place. Even though it will take a lot of time and effort to get there, the growth I'm experiencing right now will only contribute to a flourishing future. Life hurts, and love hurts. But that's the way it's supposed to go.