Let's go to the cottage

What’s up with these straight girls obsessing over gay male relationships?

This has been a phenomenon, if you want to slap a label on it, ever since I’ve been on the Internet. The explosion of Heated Rivalry has sparked some fascinating conversations online, but for some of us, it’s almost become a tired topic of discourse that has already circled cyberspace and seems to be cropping up every couple of years when the newest queer novel, TV show, or movie experiences the peaks and trenches of virality. It only makes sense, as new people discover their interest in these specific pieces of media, as new users unveil a whole new side of literature and entertainment, and especially since there have been, and always will be, people who criticize female interests without nuance, with hatred as their only intention. It’s the same old song being sung once again.

Before I dive into it, I do want to disclaim that all of what I’m about to say is coming from the perspective of a cishet woman, and I understand that there are many people out there who take their interests to the extreme, fetishizing queer romance and relationships, their consumption and promotion of these types of media doing a lot more harm that good. What I want to touch upon today excludes this specimen of users, the way they interact with media,  as their behavior does not productively contribute to or benefit the argument that I am about to make. 

As a young adult, I was an avid member of the community who grew up on fanfiction, who grew up on Tumblr one-shots, on shipping your favorite TV show characters, and on choosing to believe in AU realities rather than what was canon. I have always loved reading, but there was something magical within fanfiction that I couldn’t find in any modern-day literature, and it went beyond the access of free writing and the safe space these fandoms created online. I came to the realization quite recently, recalling that a lot of the fanfictions I enjoyed were gay ships that weren’t canon. Draco and Harry from Harry Potter, more famously known as Drarry; Remus Lupin and Sirius Black from the same franchise; Dean and Castiel from Supernatural; Stiles and Derek from Teen Wolf; Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson from One Direction; and the list goes on. Important to note that there is a definitive danger when it comes to shipping people in real life, Larry Stylinson, for example, where the loss of boundaries between fiction and reality can really harm those people involved. But that’s a beast for another day. 

In all honesty, when I wanted new fics to add to my library, my searches weren’t intentionally for these specific ships. Typically, I would just look up the overarching fandom (One Direction, Harry Potter, etc.) and go from there. When I found a golden nugget in a sea of stories, it was like discovering new land for the first time. And from there, I would take recommendations from the comments or the author’s notes to find even more to read. My only criteria for these fics were a good plot with good writing. As simple as it gets. Over time, however, I realized that most of the pieces I had saved were of male gay ships, which was curious to me since I am neither gay (allegedly) nor male (confirmed). What about these stories outshone any other I had read involving straight romances? 

When you break it down simply, it makes sense. I am a straight woman who is into men. So, double that, and you get double the interest, supposedly. But the complexities go way deeper than that. With the stories I favored, it went beyond the technical skill of writing. It was the characterization of the couple, the depth of their story leading up to the relationship, the romance itself, the enchantment of their love, and the yearning. Something that I have found to be a key factor in most media I’ve consumed with a gay ship is the presence of yearning. And it’s there for a multitude of reasons, whether it’s because a character is closeted, another is having a sexual awakening, or homosexuality is forbidden due to the historical context, or societal pressure due to career, familial drama, religion, etc. The list goes on, which also greatly exemplifies the struggles that queer people encounter in their day-to-day just for being themselves. I believe that this aspect of yearning is what captures the attention of many straight women, and it’s not because they want to endure the same struggles as gay men, but rather the deep emotional connection with someone else, romance without the pretense of lust or a physical desire. 

Straight women love men who yearn. But why is that? Heterosexual women live in a world where most, if not everything, is dictated by men. In romantic scenarios, more often than not, it is the man who is pursuing the woman. Pursuit, though, does not equate yearning. For us, yearning signifies a deep emotional investment, effort, and a desire to be seen and valued, to be viewed as more than just our bodies and what we can do with our mouths. It’s a respect for us fundamentally as humans. In many stories I’ve read about straight couples, there is always the inherent power imbalance between the two partners, whether it’s written intentionally or not. That’s just the reality of things. But stories about same-sex couples, specifically with men, are more compelling because they don't subscribe to the toxic masculinity ideology, which is obviously very appealing to women. Partners are much more equal in the principle, something that I believe most straight women desire in a relationship. 

We can even peel it back one more layer in terms of the stories themselves. In many of the stories I’ve read, the power imbalance of heterosexual couples, combined with societal pressure and just bad experiences, inherently transfers into the sexual relationship, and regardless of whether or not this sexual relationship is depicted in the book/show/movie, it can be very uncomfortable and triggering to consume. For me, I don’t enjoy queer romances because I’m objectifying the characters or fetishizing the romance, but rather that these stories are much more compelling, safe, and comfortable ways of experiencing romance and sexuality. 

There are almost always two sides to every story, and this is simply mine. Are there straight women out there who solely consume queer media because they objectify and fetishize queer people? Absolutely. But some, and I hope most, straight women enjoy queer media for the complexity of the characters, the romance, and the relationships. It can be a way for them to escape the constant reminders of societal pressures, to live in someone else’s shoes just for a chapter or an episode, to find kinship with someone else. At the end of the day, there are definitely right and wrong ways to go about appreciating depictions of queer romance, and as straight women, our priority should always be to listen to queer voices when we are in their space.